In search of Nursemaid: No "Internet Boos" Allowed

I hesitate to write this but it sincerely has to be told. About 40s dating: Near the end, it gets scary. I want to warn you now if you intend to marry, do so while you have your wits and youth about you. If you do not intend to marry, you are in for a very long and bumpy ride to the bottom of the pile. The only thing that will save you is a huge lottery windfall or being a high-earner. I guess you understand where this is leading: Ladies and gentlemen, pull out your wallets because you might be paying for it.
I, at 48, still have at least two active dating site profiles. I look young and photograph young. No one would know I was close to 50 unless I told them but that factoid matters not. What matters, I found, is that I am that old. I am grateful for every day of life but I did not see the decline ahead. Men my age still want childbearing aged women to begin (yeah, as in start) that all-important power couple.
Really? Where have you been for the past 15 years? Some of them have been jailed or married already and need a fresh start. I meet these types of men online. I inform them that I too, have already been married, and am not interested in marriage at this time and that I am no longer in the baby-making industry as I already have two of them. Instantly these guys are mentally re-purposing me for a sugar momma. I have to tell them I'm low on sugar too. Humiliating!
It is so unbelievable to me that I have to go through this process. I meet all types of gentlemen. Some are married and I have to figure it out. These men always have to take a call outdoors (in the middle of winter) in the garage (again, during inclement weather) in the car, on the subway or train, in the grocery store, getting fast food, over to the friend's house for the game, et cetera. I always find myself asking about said background noise, saying, “who is that?” and “where are you?” throughout the conversation. It is a mess, dating men who are otherwise obligated, so I make it a habit of disengaging these men once their position in life is discovered. The other big category is the guy who is going through a crisis of some sort. Either they are sick, as in I-am-in-the-hospital, sick, live 100 miles away and is scouting around for a ride home, (apparently it is against HIPAA rules to release a patient to a bus stop, I was told) or they are chronically ill with hypertension or diabetes. (I now fall in the latter group.) Or, I meet men who are in the throes of a mid-life crisis and making erratic, life-changing decisions in which there is no spouse to bear witness. I get a glimpse, however. My advice offered to them during their manic decision-making process usually goes unheeded and is unappreciated. I always thought if I met the right man, I would re-marry, but now I'm on the fence. eWill I immediately go into nursemaid mode or will I get some honeymoon years with my new hubby to be? Five years after divorcing my first and only husband, he died at the age of 38 due to complications related to a heart attack. He had remarried soon after our divorce, telling me he did not want to be alone. Our children and I found out he was hospitalized through happenstance. It was a horrible time for us and we have repeated the grieving process several times as that process is on-going. We never got to say good-bye to him as he was already in a coma by the time we found the giant-of-a-man, laid out in a hospital bed, hooked to tubes and machines. Not any of his girlfriends got to say good-bye either as they were not invited to the funeral. Throughout life, I had thought him indestructible but I was wrong. However, he was right. Maybe I too should seriously consider being married so that I am not alone, old and sick. My late ex-husband remarried because he looked to his future, however brief. In my mind, I looked forward to introducing my future new beau to my now late, ex-husband and his now widow. He and I had become more like relatives as time went on. I did not see his death as a foreshadowing of what was to come my way as far as suitors. I had never thought of hinging the decision to marry on whether or not I wanted to avoid being old and alone. It's chilling. There are many available men online. and looking for love but they come with responsibility. Some may need a next-of-kin position to fill because their parents are dead and they have no living siblings or children. Some are next to death's door already and if they did die, we would be still considered dating site strangers by any of his survivors. No one would contact me to let me know of his demise. I don't know what to do with this new scenario. My mother-in-law once considered me a good-time girl, my husband once told me and I am beginning to see why. I love a good time. I want to date and understand the concept of dating. I am not looking to latch-up with just one man right away, sight unseen. However, as I am still raising children, discretion is utilized. Since I am approaching 50, common sense prevails and discretion seems less of a concern. Will I end up becoming a nursemaid to ailing parents and a sick boyfriend? I'm not that responsible. I don't want to become overwhelmed. My present nursemaid duties are light as no one needs me in that position yet. I will be there for my family because I love them. The operative word is love. Many people do many things out of love and being a nursemaid is one of them. There is still the question of what does one owe in obligation to those we meet on dating sites? If we have been chatting on and off but have not met or if we have met but it did not work out and we still chat, what happens as far as closure if the unthinkable happens? I have chatted with men overseas, depending on whether or not our countries were on good terms. If two people in two different countries fall in love but before they can find permanence in their relationship and one or the other dies, what is one to do? Internet dating shortens the distance between people using electronic communication methods but just about all funerals are in person. Many people while hospitalized, are not at their best and may not want to Skype. I know I didn't. This new and unbroached territory is like the wild west. I polled a room full of Paltalk chatters earlier in the year about this issue and of the10 or so people participating, two women said there is no obligation to Internet boos. An Internet boo is a person with whom one shares intimacies (I'm clearing my throat here) but only on the Internet. A few men in the room who admitted to having an Internet boo or the more traditional in-person boo, say they would like for those in which they are presently intimate, to be brought into the fold so to speak, at their death. They also understand that their spouse or long-term girlfriend would not approve and felt helpless to do anything. Most of the people in the room considered me a buzzkill for bringing the issue to light, so I clicked out. The death of an Internet boo may be likened to the death of anyone in an unblessed union. Just as long-time mistresses have slunk unnoticed like death through the back doors of a many a funeral home to say a final, distant good-bye at the repass, so must the boo. The difference is that the boo, unlike the mistress, has even less control over his or her situation and usually knows only a few personal details about the person in which he or she has been involved. They never meet in person. No matter how wrong it may seem, it is hard on both parties when ongoing, tangential and peripheral intimacies suddenly end—even if we never admit it to ourselves or others. Many mistresses and girlfriends aren't invited to the funerals of loved ones but the boo may not ever be told his or her lover is dead. Communication ends when your boo no longer contacts you and is not to be found anywhere online. Paid accounts will close if payments stop but that is not proper closure for a pair who has shared intimacies. The only recognized position in a man or woman's life is the position of husband, wife, child or parent. Internet boos help the living individual. Their role ends when the person dies. How one would properly grieve and find closure at the death of an Internet boo is unbeknown. What was once fun, is now painful. Now I understand why the stereotype of the wealthy old man and his young nursemaid is both a subject of parody and lawsuits—there is truth in it. We will all need someone near the end, who either loves us or is paid to care for us if we cannot care properly for ourselves. However, "nursemaid", "Internet boo" or "mistress" are not search parameters on legitimate dating sites. Okay, maybe mistress but why bother? Who grows up declaring, “I wanna be a mistress”?